No Best Friend?

No Best Friend?
by
Robin Hall


All my life I wanted a best friend. Some of my friends likely tried. I likely tried too. I did my best. They did their best and I had one for some years as a child but not since then.

I am guessing I was incapable, early on, of forming close attachments. Later doctors discovered or diagnosed me and I am thinking there were parts of the illnesses at a very young age.

Read my back blogs. I am seriously damaged with depression, OCD, anxiety and their cousin personality defects. I am also a 35 oz. a day vodka drunk.

I wonder how far back the depression syndrome started that my earlier friends and I didn't ever and forever blend and become "best friends?"

There were some great guys and gals too. I tried. They tried. I cried. Love died.

Second tier friends was the best that ever happened for long for me. Briefly, best friends, briefly. Second tier friends ongoing or not.

In each case, I regret my inability to commit to being BEST FRIENDS. Maybe I DID commit but I was incapable. Maybe no one liked me enough.

Its sad, not being capable of being / having a best friend due to an illness no one could cure, few even knew about. No one understood. Sad.

I am not alone here. Look within. Something similar happened to many of you.

What can we do, if anything, other than having second tier friends who stayed with us or first tiers who gave up on us?

Maybe second tiers we keep trying with, and them knowing what happened. They kept trying too and there is value. Love as best there can be for us, the seriously damaged.

Its tricky. Its the best we can do.

Pain, tolerance and acceptance is what happens.

I have to settle for this.

My very own family did MUCH less. My friends did MUCH more.

Some friends are still around. Most bailed.

My family is not around. Isn't that sad, the family is not around?

Blood, in my experience, is much thinner than water.

There was a blood connection for me, at one time. It faded due to death of the primaries. It dies due to inconvenience for the less committed. Blood is thinner than water. MUCH thinner for many of us.