Fuck Movie Critics

Fuck Movie Critics
by
Robin Hall


OK, don't really try to do this. Some might like it but its wrong.

No, I mean, watch your own movies. Sure there are some critics who's opinions or reviews might suggest a good flick. Mark these critics, watch the flicks. But there are fine flicks that most of them miss or trash when actually the flick might interest YOU.

[ Movie critics / reviewers / raters have four tasks that are of interest to me. I want these folks to:

1. Tell the truth. Oy, wouldn't that be nice. Some actually do tell the truth for them. "I really liked this film and here is why." I don't have to agree with them. All I want is that they tell their own truth. I can read their view and TRUST that they told the truth for them and I make up my own mind if I want to watch the film. I can HATE their view but if its the truth and consistent I know what I will likely do, rent the flick or not.

2. Observe the audience's reactions to the film and add this to the review. I know of no film critic / reviewer / rater who does this and I REALLY want this to be something the reviewer values or at least observes and reports, the audience and its reactions and no reviewer goes this far.

3. Input their credentials. Why should we, your readers care what you say if you don't tell us?

"I have an MA in film criticism at USC and have had a column in the Boston Globe for 5 years for instance. Those are credentials.

I have watched 4000 films, have an MA in communication and write reviews for the Palm Beach Post are credentials too. Just show me, tell me.

You liking movies and wanting to give your opinion are not credentials that matter to me and I would definitely wonder about consistency.

4. Pause briefly. IF you are writing a lengthy review for film students, peers, why not write a short version too, for movie goers? Stars, BRIEF synopsis, NO tells about the ending. HONESTY upfront. I liked it this much x xx xxx xxxx xxxxx or stars, clowns, cows, fish etc.]

For instance, I LOVED Dune and Animal House yet found only one critic who cared for Dune and none that would 'fess up to liking Animal House. Worse, I liked Brotherhood of the Bell and Maltin removed it from his books for some reason.

I did like the film critic Gene Siskel but he died and didn't let me know beforehand. I hated his takes on foreign films.

I wager that Ty Burr knows his stuff but he also spends way too much time on films that I have to read the lines on the bottom of. Heck, even Ebert knows his stuff but really...

Take Apocalypto for instance. FUCK the critics. Now I didn't do this of course and I didn't read a single review. It just sounded interesting, I rented it and it REALLY was interesting. Fabulous production values. LOTS to think about and then reconsider and think more and...

What does some critic's view matter and the answer is, it does not.

A better question for me is how do I find more quality movies FOR ME? Usually, I trust the actors themselves. I subscribe to NetFlix. They allow me to peruse or see blurbs of all of the star's movies that NF has. I read the blurbs and put the films in my queue.

I have had little luck picking films by director. I have very good luck picking flicks by the top stars.

For the above film, Apocalypto I wanted to see more about the top warrior of each group for instance. NF allows me to search in this way.

Do your own research on movies. For that matter, think your own thoughts and live your own life.

Check out your favorite critics which is research too.

Life, what a concept.