Just Say No to Food

Just Say No to Food
by
Robin Hall


Earlier I was having a bit of acid reflux / heartburn etc. The causes were many. I read up on it and my entire stock of food is attacking my stomach.

Taming of the acid is a bit tricky. I SERIOUSLY suggest you check with more than one doctor if this remains problematic and don't listen to anything I say. I am not a doctor, don't play one on TV and don't even have one to play with.

We can seriously over react and head for the H2 receptor antagonists or proton pump inhibitors right off or save them for later. That is my choice.

In the meanwhile we can use various antacids like baking soda, calcium carbonate or magnesium hydroxide. Each of these have problems if used at all or to excess. One problem is throwing our electrolytes out of whack. I hate it when that happens but these are cheap and fast.

We can search the Internet.

Well, isn't this special? One site recommends unsalted almonds. Scrolling down, white vinegar is also a cure. I am skeptical about each of these so-called cures and the site itself.

GERD is an acronym that shows up. Its scary.

I googled " heartburn " , " heartburn remedies " , " acid reflux. " I also googled " heartburn milk " and " heartburn tomatoes " which I eat a lot of. Also " heartburn cheese, " " heartburn salt " and " heartburn beer. " I have a limited diet.

In MANY resource sites we are told to avoid most food, certainly most good food:

Citrus fruits, yet each of them have wonderful antioxidant properties and taste good.

Chocolate is on most lists. Who in their right minds would delete this for more than a few days? Drat, this is really upsetting me. I have very little left after the following items.

Drinks with caffeine, alcohol and beer are especially said to produce acid. Beer is really the culprit and it just tastes so good, so fucking what?

Drink it, take an antacid. Down the coffee, tea, chocolate and do what you can. Other items to follow.

An insert here. I read a study just now and 7 cups of coffee a day cut acid reflux. I am wondering if the coffee industry funded this study? And there would be many trips to the loo.

Insert 2. The above mentioned study suggested that spirits did not increase stomach acid or acid reflux. WTF?

I KNOW I am not like many folks but when the food journalists and researchers can change their views in the same week, isn't something basically wrong?

Back to the foods. Fatty and fried foods? WTF? This leaves out all fast food, most Chinese food and so many other country's basic foods, especially Southern USA foods, well we are all in trouble. Just watch the Food Channel's Paula's Home Cooking show which would include about two total recipes that are NOT fatty or fried.

BUTTER RULES, tastes good and should be completely excluded from food lists that exclude foods.

Garlic and onions? I eat most everything with garlic and onions. There is no tasty cuisine I know of that leaves out garlic and onions. These bad food lists are annoying.

Mint flavorings. Oy. I cannot even use my toothpaste without risking heartburn. I cannot gargle, brush or tune up my enamel.
: ^ (

Spicy foods. By this time just what is left? Its the spice of life is just so in our culture.

Hmm. No spice. Do you really want to dine on the Russian delicacy pelmeni for the rest of your life? Its worse. Pelmeni is a bit of beef and pork surrounded by dough and boiled. No spice. Ok, the recipe can involve spice but the ones I had while there did not.

Dull fucking food without spice or salt. We are just about left with eating bananas, apples and broiled chicken or fish.

Tomato based foods, like spaghetti sauce, salsa, chili, tomato juice, V8 juice, bloody Marys and pizza. Now this really pisses me off since even moderately heated tomato sauce is rich in lycopene another fine antioxidant.

Well, you can see MY problem here. There isn't anything left to eat.

I don't think sushi is on any of the DON'T FUCKING EAT THIS lists but really. Estimates for a true and safe sushi master's meal ranges upwards from $500.

I was watching Tony Bourdain's excellent No Reservations. He was IN Japan at a small mom and pop sushi restaurant. He trusted the fare. A single raw mollusk was $50. So sushi is off my menu.

Well prepared venison would be OK. WalMart has no venison here in SE TN.

Low fat beef on occasion is OK. Most meats are OK, sometimes, but only the lean bits. This leaves out all pork, all the tasty beef parts, all of everything.

We are told that sea creatures contain heavy metal. I wish my bank had plenty of gold in my account, but no.

Nickle and lead are in tuna, salmon, mackerel, shrimp etc. Drat. They are out too. No lobster either.

Most grains can cause allergies. Most legumes: peas, peanuts, some beans; nuts of all sorts.

Now see here. If I can't fucking eat a fucking peanut butter sandwich, someone is going to pay.

I just looked in my pantry. I have navy beans that MAY be OK. I have LOTS of chocolate. Not good. Peppermints galore. Not good. Pickles with too much salt, vinegar, ketchup, pasta sauce, mustard. All contain too much salt and spices.

My freezer has tomato juice, pasta sauce, grains, breads, seven different nuts, all that chocolate I am not supposed to have, coffee. There is ice cream, Breyers Lactose free, the good stuff with all that fat.

There IS powdered fat free milk, slightly less of a problem. I have some frozen vegetables in the OK list, a few frozen fruits. Some of the juices are OK but not orange or grapefruit, which itself can interfere with many medications.

There is one logical thing at this point. Have a bloody Mary, go down the street for a pepperoni pizza, toss back a few beers and hope I don't need to sleep for another 25 hours.

Another problem for quelling heartburn, one is not supposed to eat within 4 hours of sleep. For me its closer to 12 hours. Isn't this getting out of hand?

Food should be refreshing, nourishing and fun if taken in a congenial atmosphere but what am I supposed to eat even IF I had friends and a nice place to eat in?

This rant ends soon. Please be patient.

Questions still abound. What IS fat free sour cream? What is fat free ice cream? What do these things even mean?

Are such products the literal deconstruction [google that word for fun] of the English language or just big business realizing how much we love fat and that there is a niche market for many others who want to cut down on fat?

Really.

One other item. This is just wishful thinking on my part. I suppose its an attempt to find some meaning in life but what if none of this mattered if meals were taken with loving friends and family in a calm atmosphere? Would any food actually harm us?