How to Recognize You Are TFU

How to Recognize You Are TFU
by
Robin Hall

Here are several signs that you have finally had too much of today's drug:


A. You close your eyes and more is going on than when they are open.

B. You start your car, put it into reverse and realize you are still shaving.

C. The person snoring next to you has glowing eyebrows. This might be interesting but you hate orange.

D. The loud airplane entering your bedroom right now is a fan. Drat, it IS an airplane.

E. Six Geese a-laying has NO connection to anything but seems to be a fine song at the 4th of July picnic your new companion took you to. Now this IS odd, dozens of people staring at you and its them standing there without clothes. Er, that IS them without clothes?

F. While the walls may indeed be melting, the frozen butter you are trying to spread on your burned toast is not.

G. Your body is not actually on fire but the flames are quite interesting. Perhaps a dissertation on fire is warranted or perhaps just another beer... Wait, make that a joint. No, some more speed. What? Hawaiian Delight ice cream? OK.

H. That "person" in the mirror is completely unknown to you, and vice-versa.

I. When you arrive at the dock, you slowly realize that your ship has not come in. You also realize that you are naked in the Sonora desert, the drugs are gone, your cell phone is out of time, and so are you.

J. You remember that Hawaiian Delight ice cream but also remember that it was you who ate the entire half gallon then accused the rest of them of stealing it. Later you remember you are alone.

K. Your second coffee of the is a double vodka with a scotch chaser. You have no glass to put it in. Pouring two bottles into your mouth at the same time seems logical. Later when you find a glass you squeeze the excess booze from your shorts.

L. You remember you are NOT alone and return to the bathroom to see if your new pal is still there. No and what caused those two tiny holes in your neck?

M. Its Christmas, you enter a grocery store for smokes and say to the clerk, "Say, you got Camels here, I saw the sign?" The minister shrieks from the big box he is hiding behind and two tall men head your way.

N. You are making breakfast when you realize it raining and you are sitting in the park with two squirrels laughing at you, not with you.

O. You tell the driver of the cab you just got into, "I decline to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me." Your bartender just shrugs his shoulders.

D. You thought you only farted.

7. You are laboring up a sand dune in Morocco and realize you tanning bed timer didn't go off, 40 minutes ago.