Rules

Rules
by
Others

I wish I knew who made all these rules. They were sent to me along with thousands of things I get each year. If they are all yours, message me and I will exchange Someone Else with your name. I added rules of my own as well.

This is stuff I collect on bad days that are tolerable. The Rules are in "" which always, for me, denotes quotations from others.


"Rules for Women
by
Men


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are their rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1."

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. [ I am adding my own version. Everyday is what I say it is. Live with it. ]

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes , tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. Most men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, stereo gear, computers or monster trucks.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.



More.

The Rules For Women
by
Other Men


SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Butthead is the smart one.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, cooking, cleaning, the dishes and grocery shopping.

Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

Socks never constitute a gift.

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

We don't know anything about handbags or hats. Don't even ask.

We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

Even if you think he's cute, Keanu Reeves can't act.

Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Matrix: Reloaded."

Curley is the bald one.

Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

Sports Illustrated and Stereophile are better magazines than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Intimate relations on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of conversation afterward are not.

Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

No, you can't have the remote control.

If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us.



Rules for Men
by
Women

1. The female makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.

4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do or did not say.

7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.

8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.

9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. see rules 6, 7, 12, 13.

10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in he sole judgment she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.

14. The female may at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spatial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, or wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and /or selfish.

15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions he has bestowed on other females, male friends, domestic pets, barnyard animals OR his silly interests in sports, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, scuba gear or A/V equipment. Such illustrations are non-refutable.

16. If the female is experiencing PMS, or Post PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.

17. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuation's, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

18. Whenever the female volunteers her time for a given activity or event, the male is automatically volunteered as well. He must comply by providing 100% of any requested time and energy as well as a cheery disposition showing that he not only support it but is whole heartily enthusiastic about the task, activity or event AND his devotion to his beloved."

Whew. No wonder us guys are in trouble a lot.


Rules Followed by Successful Sweepstakers
by
Robin Hall

1. You can't win if you don't enter.

2. The more times you enter an unlimited entry sweep, the more likely it is you will win.

3. The more single entry sweeps you enter, the more you will win.

4. The BIG ONE could be yours with the very next entry.

5. Stick with it. One day the BIG ONE will be yours.


Rules Followed by Un-successful Sweepstakers
by
Robin Hall

1. You can't win if you don't enter.

2. The more times you enter an unlimited entry sweep, the more likely it is you will win.

3. The more single entry sweeps you enter, the more you will win.

4. The BIG ONE could be yours with the very next entry.

5. Stick with it. One day the BIG ONE will be yours.


Feel free to add your own ruless. Send them in and I will credit you if you like.