Real Memories 1

Real Memories 1: Early drinking problem and psyc wards.
by
Robin Hall


The day I graduated from college I put wine and Rice Crispies in the blender for breakfast. I don't recall the rest of that glorious day. I got my degree, my diploma. I woke up another day. That was Dec. 1974 or maybe it was August.

I was married. We drove to FL to work with John Costaine McCamy in Human Life styling. That lasted a month.

I got a teaching assistant ship to a school in Omaha. I went. Three months after arriving I tried to electrocute myself and spent 2 months at Nebraska Psychiatric Institute. It was pretty good except they gave me anti psychotics instead of anti depressants.

One day they gave me prolixin. The next day I was literally walking in circles. It seemed my left foot was nailed to the floor. They gave me something to relieve this.

My wife left me for another woman just before I went into the hospital. She stole my car, my records. She did not give the cats away, tend to them. I got back to the house a month later, I had two one-month admittances, the poor cats were roaming around the house hungry, thirsty etc. They had peed everywhere.

I got my MA from Florida State University, August 1982. I had spent the week previous to finals in the local mental hospital. Florida had some deal where you got out in a week, no there was a 4 day hold. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was two weeks.

The day after I got my MA I drove up to Atlanta and headed immediately back to FL. I lived with my grandma for several years, taught 24 sections of speech in the local Community College, worked at Florida State Prison for a month.

I took 1800 Mg. of lithium a day for 2 years, some tricyclics in addition, for half that time. I slept a LOT. I only missed two classes in 3 years at PBJC. I don't recall a single student's name. I recall one face.

Real memories, for me, are often that I didn't recall any memories from some time or other. Long fugue states seem to have happened. Most of my life is a fugue.

Dead to the World

Dead to the World
by
Ashes


Today is a day of deadness. Cups of coffee, a pack of cigarettes to stimulate me back into this world and nothing helps. The meds, well I am sure some of you know how little they help, how really few of us they help.

Days like this and my dull brain ponders alcohol. Last night I dreamed of being drunk. Booze never helped of course. It often did make me forget the deadness. I miss that part.

Days like this, the RAGE boils beneath the surface and blinds my teary eyes.

Days like this, I stay inside, away from real people.

Days like this I pine for pine, opiates or pot and wish I could live in Holland where these are easier to come by. Through a glass darkly, clouded eyes, clouded spirit. Nepenthe, where art thou?

Don't knock or call on these days.

Perhaps a brief email. There might be enough of me to ponder and respond, maybe not.

Maybe the sun will rise on the morrow or never rise again and stain my spirit with its light, sear my soul and close this world forever.

And it returns again and again. And I forget. And it returns to remind me.

The smell of the graveyard looms. The trees nearby are withered and ashen. There is in the distance the call of forever in the drum beat of that so different drummer.

Stay the day?

For us with IT at our throat draining joy like a sponge takes blood.

Depression / IT

Depression / IT
by
Robin Hall


Depression is not really by me. I didn't invent IT. ITs not due to a weak will or laziness. I cannot just say no to IT.

People have likely had this killer disease as long as we have stood upright and fought the elements, animals and others for survival.

IT can come on when you are feeling swell, last for months then disappear for a few days. The cycles are endless. No medicine has helped me. I am convinced the stats on how many are helped, well, I am skeptical when docs STATE 70% improve. If you believe that I have a fine device to change your life. Just send me $4769.00, tax included, and I will send you the device. You will have to buy ammunition locally.

I spent a lot of time revising Thief of Joy so I won't go on too much. I have had IT since I was 19. One theory is genetic mutation. Yes, some sun ray or other whacks a gene, it multiplies and you are fucked.

There are many forms of IT and endless discussions on what to do about IT. If you click Google and put in any of these queries, without the quotes: " depression " , " manic depression " , " major depression ", " bipolar disorder " or the like, follow the links you choose and do some studying, you will find more than you want to know.

To paraphrase a current slogan, "We're here, we're depressed. Live with it!" So, to the unbelievers I say, "Do your fucking homework before you criticize the unknown world around you.

To others with IT, you have my sympathy. I have had IT 43 years now. Lots do not survive IT. I have no cure for you, no guidelines. Some survive, some do not. That is a fact.

I have nothing to offer other than my blogs. My hope is they can ease the pain through my sharings.

My Life is about the fog of depression.
My Stories What I have written when the fog lifts.
Finding Things Online Internet tutorials.

For Us With IT

Some days I am cold, I feel dead inside. My vision is blurred. I am angry. I am sad. I say things that can hurt. I am in the throes of depression and the cycles are actually painful. The bottom of the cycles are painful and dangerous to me. The neuro-chemicals that are not working properly are damaging my brain and IT hurts.

This is IT, for me. For you, perhaps IT is MS, PTSD, cancer, an injury from war. IT. Put your pain in IT below and know a bit more of yourself, me and others with IT. " If you have no pain now be glad and know a bit about others with IT. Take care of them. Perhaps they are you another day.




For Us With IT
by
Robin Hall

IT will not go away forever but IT may go away for a while.
IT will be back.IT is not our fault.
There is NOTHING we can do about IT but most of us will keep trying.
When we try, we win.

There is nothing we can do for another with IT but be there for them.
IT is not contagious so there is no danger in catching IT.

REMEMBER THIS ABOVE ALL ELSE: Others with IT are still whoever they were before IT and between cycles of IT. They will return. Be there during and after.

Do not be embarrassed by IT. None of us are embarrassed by cancer though IT is almost as life threatening and just as debilitating.

Remember, the person with IT is not IT, they are the person. IT is an overlay. Look deeper, they are still themselves.

Do not tell someone with IT to cheer up or have a nice day.
You would not say this to an accident victim on the way to the hospital would you?

We, the victims of IT, remember who was there for us and who was not.
Deal with us as people. Despise IT. Love the person.
Love us as before. Is that so hard?